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September 21, 2004Kettles, Pots, Skillets--they're all black.Well, well, your humble SSG has been called on to help a couple of damsels in distress on pressing questions about our less fair sex. Ever the Don, I'll charge that windmill for you ladies... For context, you'll have to take a quick read over at Tenacious in a post entitled, I'm sure, from a few emails exchanged between Lou and your humble SSG (I'm the pot, in case you're wondering). If I may be so presumptuous as to boil it down, the question is "Why is it after I kiss/make out/kiss a boy(s), do I get a few emails (if that) and then the ever so unsubtle brush-off?" Let me say first, that ladies you've come to the right place if you're looking for someone there that is a certified BT,DT,r (Been There, Done That, recently). And you're in luck, as I have consulted with several friends on the near same scenario as you're describing (well, except for naked, drunken tetherball...) The rest can be found in the extended entry. First of all, in the comments, KR makes an excellent point in noting that it may well be that with such a distance between Texas and California, they may just be chalking up to a fun time and not much else. I mean, really, I believe there's at least two deserts and two sets of mountains between the two places. Perhaps, they, like your humble SSG, have tried and failed several times to make long distance relationships work. Unlike me, they may have come to the conclusion that by definition a long distance relationship just doesn't work. Ahhh, but you're ever hopeful SSG has not hardened his heart so, and can (and will) speak to other possibilities. In my most recent experience I can tell you I have been offered three explanations (or a combination thereof)~~ - "I was drunk, and there was the moment, and you just, well, the way you looked at me..." It pays to have good listening skills and to make eye contact. - "I like you a lot and will forever, but I just feel in my heart that I'm not the right girl for you." No further explantion, discussion or communication. - "There's somebody else." Actually this one and the prior two work as combinations. The only truly stand alone was the second statement. Let's explore each, shall we? I should preface that all were the nearly the same situation as far as being friends to start, at the moment, and for all other intents and purposes, should remain that way. In the first statement, it was a moment fueled by lowered inhibitions. We've all had these and, fortunately, in both of our scenarios we're not staring down the business end of a "Coyote Ugly" morning after. As a good friend who was gracious enough to allow me to vent explained, "It's just kissing--no big deal. No harm, no foul, you know?" Well, as much as I hated to agree with her (especially considering this thought), she's right. Perhaps, Tin Cup put it best~~ "C'mon, just a tiny, no harm, no foul, little, semi-platonic kiss?" (I am obliged to include her reply, "There's no such thing as a 'semi-platonic' kiss. His reply: "Well, there oughta be.") Maybe that's the message you're getting--it was just a nice diversion, but that's all it was. Let's move on to the second statement. This one came recently with no further discussion. Now, to be honest, part of it may have to do with Statement 2 girl finding out about Statement 1 girl. For our purposes, let's just deal with it at face value. If someone just doesn't think their right for you (translation--you're not right for me), regardless of how little time a person has taken to examine your inner soul and the true compatability of the two, there just isn't much you can do. In this scenario, the best you can say is "sorry, you feel that way," and just keep moving. In a very few instances, the hidden message may be for you to continue the pursuit, but 999 times out of 1,000, it's best just to let it go because as Jack Handy said: "If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone." In our third scenario, we have a bit more complicated of a situation. When there's somebody else a number of things come into play. First, if the other person is in a committed relationship, you most likely ought to "call it a loss, not such a big loss, and chalk it up to better luck." (Dixie Chicks, circa 1998). Mainly, in that situation, you have encountered a bonafide cheater and if he'll (or she'll) cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. On the other hand, if the person is not in a committed relationship, we find ourselves back in "no harm, no foul" territory. In this area, it's really a "no fault encounter" and can have a simple "no fault" end. It's not necessarily anything about you. In fact, it is more likely that it has something to do with the other person. You could be Pamela Anderson or Reese Witherspoon or Phoebe Cates and the same thing would happen. It's nothing personal, just let it slide off your back. And then sometimes, it can be a combination of the aforementioned scenarios. Any combination of the second with any other response is unactionable. If for some reason a person decides you aren't (or they aren't) the person for you (them). Let it go. You can't make someone like or love you and the more you try, the more artificial you become. Even if you succeed in making them fall for you, you have failed because they fell for an illusion, a fake you in a fake relationship with someone having feelings based on false impressions. By the time either of you realize it, it's too late and you're both screwed. Now let's return to the heart of the question--"If we were all friendly, why don't they respond?" First of all, let's clear one thing up. I'm the SSG, but I'm well traveled. I really disliked California because things didn't make sense there. You'd walk around at various public places (like a Dodgers game, a club, a restaurant, etc.), and you'd see things that didn't make sense. Generally, down South, if you see a fairly homely girl with a guy, he is usually fairly homely, also. In California, you would see a beautiful woman with the skankiest looking guy you ever laid your eyes on. Some attribute this phenomenon to the dollars, but regardless, things didn't fit there. And you dealing with boys that live there by choice, regardless of where they may be from originally. Then you have the problem with maturity. Maturity is a great tool for seeing things in perspective. As my good friend, TT of the wonder twins T&T, and I agreed the other night, it's alright to be on polite and friendly terms with a bonafide ex, but it's best not to socialize with them. In your situation, I'd say it's clear that none of them are bonafide ex's and if they're avoiding you because of a few kisses on a couple of nights, we're looking at a lack of perspective and by extension, probably maturity. T has a tendency to stay buddies with ex's, but she is smart enough not to let it slip back into intimacy. I, on the other hand, have a tendency to lean the other way if it has ever been more than just a weekend or two of flirting and playful kissing (except for bonus night, of course). I've gotten a lot better as I've seasoned into a wiser SSG, and I'm on friendly terms with most of my ex's these days. My gut instinct says these guys are playing by the so-called "rules of modern dating." Those rules are absolutely ridiculous, and I certainly wish you'd found blogs and this one in particular a year ago. Before his original blog went defunct, Jim penned a masterful series called NotDating ™. I wrote the companion series on Helping Folks Out ©. (Advanced Lesson here. End of Helping lesson here.) Perhaps, Jim has that series stored away somewhere and we can re-publish them for posterity's sake. In any event, it all boils down to this...At some point, we all tire of the cursed game known as "the rules of modern dating." We become mature enough to realize that in the end we're just people, us men and women. We have some very different needs, but we have some that are very similar. If we'll just forget these asinine "rules" for a bit and take each other as equals and move forward without wondering if we or they emailed too soon, of if he didn't call for a date by Wednesday night, etc., I think these would be a lot simpler and a lot more enjoyable for all of us. ( A good backgrounder on this one is the 'Ask Adam' section of this post--be sure to read Erin's comment as well.) Until that time, it's important to keep clear in your head who is still playing "the game" and who has grown past it, and is ready to interact with members of the opposite sex as equals. If they're still playing "the game," if you'd like, play along. It's really a rather simple game, and once you've got it figured out, all sorts of fun can be yours. If they're not playing the game, enjoy yourself, you've found yourself an equal and with such, you can have so much more fun. Finis for now (Watch this space for "understanding boys") Ladies, your comments, please... Posted by Adam H at September 21, 2004 05:43 PM ~ Link Cosmos | Trackbacks (0)Comments
So, before I comment on the actual content of this post...I am compelled to stand up for CA. You obviously visited Southern CA...and probably only the 'cities' there...and most of the weirdos there aren't even from here. The 'rest of us' Californians are not so different...just normal folks enjoying the weather. I think Lou would vouch for me on that one, having met my friends, family, and visiting a lot. I highly recommend another trip here, but one that stays a little more 'off the beaten path'. Alright, KR. I'll be awaiting your other thoughts. However, to answer your question I spent all of my time in Orange County (Anaheim; Conservative) and Los Angeles (LA, Liberal) counties. And I tried to get off of a 'beaten path' there; problem was it seemed like every darn path was already well beat down. Still, I've heard Northern California is much better and I'd love to give that part of the state another chance. Posted by: Adam at September 22, 2004 12:35 AMWell, I live on the Central Coast, which I'm fairly partial to, so you definitely should try visiting both No Cal and here...if you ever do plan a trip, definitely consult with me ;o) I can probably ever steer you to some good places in So Cal too. After gleaning a little more info from our chat last night, I'm going to settle on a bit of immaturity in those corners. In my BT,DT,r situation I've got one that's been mature about it and one that hasn't. Oh well, the lasses will learn, and with a little luck, maybe I will to. Now, let's see if Lou is going to add any comments.... Posted by: Adam at September 22, 2004 12:35 PMokay, okay, okay. you know what i am going to say anyway. i agree with kel. after further discussing this and reading your lengthy, er informative, post i don't think that i do anything in particular to drive men away. I believe, as stated in my comment section, that the reason is a) they are immature b) they just don't really care either way, or a combination of both. i guess what really bothered me is that i was just having fun, i didn't bone these guys, and i am not looking for a relationshsip with these guys, and i thought (think) it was crappy that they can't return a friendly fucking email because of a stupid kiss! i mean for the love of God! that IS pretty immature! Now I'm all fired up again! Posted by: lou at September 22, 2004 01:43 PMI certainly hope you didn't "bone" them. That would be a little freaky. Isn't that usually the other way around? Posted by: Adam at September 22, 2004 01:54 PM:-) Posted by: lou at September 22, 2004 01:59 PM:-* Posted by: Jen at September 22, 2004 02:41 PMDid it ever occur to anyone that those friendly e-mail were not meant as anything more than keeping the lines of communication open until they got a chance to feel you out to see if there were any sparks or the possibility for an all out no strings attached hook-up? That's the way I see it. Those dudes were laying thr ground work for a hook-up, maybe a recurring hook-up but def not a relationship. Gosh Adam, it's been a while since I commented on your page! Hey there!! Posted by: Queen Goddess at September 22, 2004 05:20 PMWelcome back QG! It's alright, I've been lurking around at your spot too. You make a good point, to which I would only add, then the boys would have to be stupid because if they were looking for an additional hook-up it would make sense to keep those lines open. Then on subsequent hook-ups, it would be that much more likely to generate more than just kissing. Posted by: Adam at September 22, 2004 06:01 PMQG makes an excellent point. And so does Adam with the follow-up, but we definitely ruled out that they were 'smart' already, now we're just closer to defining them as 'stupid'. Posted by: KR at September 22, 2004 07:51 PMWow, that's a little Dr. Phil on them there KR. I thought these folks were your friends. Heh. Posted by: Adam at September 22, 2004 11:19 PMWell I think QG just cleared it all up for me. I totally agree with what she said and never even realized until she said it. It's so true. What I mistook as friendly was really them just playing the "game". Wow. And the reason they aren't keeping the lines of communication open is because they know there won't be a repeat kiss because of the proximity, or lack thereof, issue. Just wow. Never thought about that. These guys aren't stupid, they're actually smarter than we are giving them credit for. But as I have said many times, still crappy that they can't be mature enough to say, "Yes we made it back okay", and even more crappy that they don't care enough to even do so. This is going to make me delve further into my man hating sabbatical. Damn them! You can't even have fun nowadays without someone ruining it for you! So now the next question is this: how do you steer clear of these situations in the future. Is there a list of "lessons learned" we can take from this. Or is this some sort of inevitable trap that you have to harden yourself against when it happens. Pretend that you don't care? Well ya know what? I do care! As stated NUMEROUS times, I don't want a relationship with these guys, just decency! Posted by: lou at September 23, 2004 09:08 AMJust for clarification, only one of them is my friend...the other I don't even know...and the one who I do know, DID email back, he just doesn't continue correspondence for whatever reason. I actually don't think he's stupid (or hope he's not since he works for me!)...he just really doesn't email people a ton, and probably just doesn't write b/c to him, carrying on a 'relationship', friendship or otherwise, is semi-pointless from so far away. I actually don't think he should be HATED really...he's just very simple about things...and I actually don't think he was even really playing a 'game' before, I think he really was friendly, and now that there are no 'plans' or anything else, he just doesn't email as much. And seriously, Lou, if you DID email him, I bet he'd email back...and if you were coming out here, I bet he'd even want to see you again...regardless of a hookup or not. Whoa whoa whoa. Hate is such a strong word. I don't hate anyone (man hating sabbatical might have been a strong phrase)! And I am not saying anything bad about PP, and I wouldn't have really thought much about it if that hadn't of happened with that guy this weekend. You know? I just could tell a difference in him and ended email correspondence cause I really don't feel like bothering anyone. Does that make sense? When I talk about not responding to the email, I mean Red, not PP. Posted by: lou at September 23, 2004 10:16 AMWell, well. I suppose we've decided someone has been played. C'mon girl, you should know the game better than that! Maybe you do and you've just got to go to the advanced level and know when your dealing with folks playing the game and those that are honest. As they say, "Don't hate the player, hate the game." Posted by: Adam at September 23, 2004 11:20 AMYou kind of just hit on what I just posted about. It always the ones playing at the negligible levels that get you, isn't ? Sad but true. Post a comment
 
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