|
September 07, 2004Another WindmillHere I am, typing in a box on a computer, trying to sort things out, desperately trying to understand, fervently trying to do what is right and what needs to be done. If you haven't picked up on it yet, I'm working through what may well be a broken heart. I'm sure I won't know if it is until later. It can take a moment sometimes to know if it is broken or not, but it never takes any time to know if something hurts. And, I hurt right now. This communiqué is a little harder to right than normal, because the lady it will and does refer to, knows about the blog and may well read it. It is my personal rule not to use the blog to pass messages along to someone. And if she reads this, I hope that in no way she'll take it in any other way than what it is: Me writing for my gentle readers for their input. And more importantly, because I need to get this out and need to deal with it, and the best way is for me to write about it. Gentle readers, I fell hard and, clearly, too quickly. Once it had happened, it was too late. The all too brief relationship was something I did not expect, did not imagine, and did not know exactly how to deal with. We prayed about each other--not because we needed the help, but because we both wanted it to be right. We read books based on and interpreting the Bible, because we wanted it to be right. When we kissed, it was not like anything either of us had ever felt. I called friends, family and emailed friends about her because I was so sure and stricken by her. Sadly, I did not know what being stricken by her was. I do now. To be fair, I knew from the very beginning she was in a peculiar place that made love between us a difficult prospect. What made it so baffling was the many things she made me realize that I needed to get resolved in my own heart and mind while I did the same thing for her. Unfortunately, the things I needed to overcome were not nearly as formidable as those she faced. With God's help, her patience and support, my issues could have been resolved rather easily (especially with God's help!). Regardless, my nature is to want--nay, to need to help people. It is one of the hardest things for me to do to realize and *accept* that sometimes, there is nothing I can do and no way to help. It is against my nature to sit back and watch a person struggle when I know I can help. It’s even worse when I know there are so many things I can say to help and know that I can't say those things because I know that from me those things are tainted because of who they come from and how they could be taken in that sense. So tonight, I write this listening to the blues for the fourth hour. Thank God for whoever first came up with the blues--it helps so much...I know I have to go forward regardless of what happens. I know that I fell hard and fast. I have never done that with a person I felt and thought deserved it more. For me, it was helpful to get calls, attention, emails, and even a package from young ladies who know and cherish me in ways I didn't and haven’t shared with this lady I am hurt by now. To be sure, it always helps the ego, but I still wanted her. Nothing else can be expected. Assuming she is "The One," I have nothing to worry about. And if she is not, I am that much closer to that one and will be grateful that I have narrowed it down that much more to her. Regardless, tonight I have the blues. Thank God for Muddy Waters. After all, they're pretty muddy right now. BB King sang "Every Day I have The Blues." Well, maybe not everyday, I have them now. I'll get over it... Comments
I'm sorry, Adam. Love just sucks sometimes. At least she has given you a big boost in faith. Hope the heart is simply bruised and not broken. Posted by: rachel at September 7, 2004 12:25 PMOk, so now I am getting depressed for you...if you need to talk, you know my number... Posted by: Chelle at September 7, 2004 01:16 PMI like what you said about accepting that if she isn't "The One" - that must mean you're closer to finding the one. That's nice. Posted by: Lisa at September 12, 2004 01:17 PMPost a comment
 
|
