A Single Southern Guy in America

July 25, 2004

Friday Night Debauchery

A gentle reader emailed Friday afternoon:

"...have a fabulous weekend. Please do something utterly scandalous so I can read about it on Monday and live vicariously through your debauchery!"

Not one to disappoint, I headed out to a party of like-minded individuals Friday evening and proceeded to drink co' beer.

Now, I could describe the activities of the evening in two ways. In all truthfulness, I behaved myself and went home by myself like a good boy sometime after 2 a.m. or so. There was no kissing or further bases around the diamond. I even failed to dance with one of the many comely lasses at the gathering despite promising I would. In my defense, I did go look for her when 'Hey Ya'--my theme song--was played; she was already dancing with someone and I opted not to cut in, although she told me later that I should have, but I digress...

The truth of the matter is that I am fairly new to this social circle. There are a few folks whom I've known for several years, but have not been in especially close contact with over the last few. There is one charming young lass who is another gentle reader and formerly regular emailer who is now a real world acquaintance, a guy I went to high school with, a captivating young lady I met at an 2000 Election Night watch party through my good friend EK (the one that just got married), a colleague from the college days, and so on and so forth. And, of course, there's those folks who for whatever reason you feel an instant kinship with for reasons unknown by either party. The point of the matter is I'm not so certain of the entire circle's dynamic. After many years of making my humble way into different social circles, I've learned a few lessons and one that I try to cling to dearly is not to jump to far into the circle until you've got a good idea of how the circle spins. A wiser course is to flirt ceaselessly and innocently, listen intensely, and chat freely. Mix in a bit of sharp but harmless wit and soon enough, you'll have a feel for the dynamic.

The downside of such a course is oftentimes one passes up what could have been a compelling course and someone else takes what could have been your place. Then again, when one jumps right at the earliest opportunities, he risks falling flat on his face in the middle of the circle.

But it is debauchery my gentle reader wants and debauchery she will get. Let's take it in the style of Walter Winchell, shall we?

The SSG was seen Friday evening at an A-list gathering of Arkansas young professionals swapping drags on a cigar with a shapely young lass...However, just earlier, he had cheesily persuaded another comely young lady to fetch beers for him from his cooler on the front porch while he chatted with others on the back porch...Interestingly enough, he was also seen to fetch a beer for a platinum maned lass later that evening...he was later seen to take a front row seat while two other equally attractive ladies performed through stunning renditions of "I Touch Myself" and a Guns 'N Roses song...Oh and we would be remiss if we didn't note that over the course of the evening there were two hot tubs for the SSG...As many partygoers made their ways to the host's tub o' love, he quickly persuaded a fellow to loan him a pair of swimming trunks...To the SSG's delight, they made their way to this fellow's home to get said trunks with the company of an advantageous lads to lasses ratio where there was, you guessed it, another hot tub...After returning to the original party and earning once again the title of "Last Man Standing," the social blue jay SSG made his way back to the second hot tub where he soaked a few limbs with some ladies reportedly still in college...Did we fail to mention the intense conscious effort he exercised to maintain direct eye contact with one particularly buxom young lass who had almost immediately told him how inebriated she was? (what is it they say a girl means when she says, "I am SO drunk?")...It should be noted that more than once he relinquished his seat for a lady joining his area of the party...and though it may not sell newspapers or tabloids, we must note that he did not hook up with anyone and was last seen shaking hands with a guy pal and leaving for home alone...Such is the way for our latter day Byronic hero...Or perhaps he had read of celebutante Paris Hilton's recent break-up with beau Nick Carter...

So there you have it, gentle readers, all of the debauchery, none of the debauching. Just imagine what would happen if I were to take beach volleyball classes. Heh.

Posted by Adam H at July 25, 2004 05:44 PM ~ Link Cosmos | Trackbacks (0)

Comments

Who said that chivalry is dead! At last, a true Southern Gentleman! Believe me, you'll be remembered long after the typical males are forgotten. Most women want a man who is a stand up guy. The bad boys are fun for a short time, but they tend to grate on one's nerves after a few days. Hang in there, and keep doing what you do so well.

Posted by: Junebugg at July 26, 2004 06:06 AM