A Single Southern Guy in America

April 08, 2004

Faking Fun

The most entertaining aspect about writing the April Fool's marriage story was exploring in my mind the idea that finding "The One" in such a manner. As I have discussed before, it happens in so many different ways and there is no set formula or pattern in finding your own soulmate. For some people, it has happened in ways that were similar to my fictional account. For others it comes after long years of dating and the respective families not wondering if, but when.

As I wrote the hoax, it was fascinating to try to justify the manner of such a sudden marriage. In reality, it would be defending the act. It would be defending because it is out of the norm of what most people see as the path to marriage. I know of several friends who have rushed into marriage and by all accounts seem to be doing well. Certainly, there are many out there who rushed into a marriage and have since experienced the tragedy of a divorce. As the scenes from When Harry Met Sally of the various couples depict, the different ways of finding the person you build a partnership for life are as diverse as the flora of a rainforest; and as vibrant.

In a quick chat with Stasia, she remarked that I am 'just nuts enough' to do it. One of my old friends BM called that evening, laughing. His remark was, "I read that and I said, 'No way in hell. I know this guy and he did NOT just jump and go get married.'" The strange part of the two conversations is that they are both right. Given my leap back into politics with a day after Christmas flight to New Hampshire, Stasia is correct in noting that I'm crazy enough to make such a leap. Given our many adventures together in small town America, BM knows all too well how I approach a potential relationship and the entanglements of the most minimal of commitments not to mention the idea of me approaching the ultimate of commitments in the form of marriage.

For my part, I have always presumed that I would meet someone, we would start dating, we would enjoy a nice few months together, go through the usual 'wearing off of the new car smell' phase, we would soldier on and be rewarded with a stronger and deeper friendship and relationship, at some point we would break up and then make up, and after a year or so we would get serious about discussing marriage, and then one day, she would be surprised and overwhelmed with the unique and special way I would devise to propose to her. In my mind, that is how I have always figured it would happen to me. Not too slow and not too fast--the Goldilocks approach to finding a mate as it were. Yet, in writing the April Fools hoax, I met the notion that it might happen another way head on and learned something.

It's clear to me that a preconceived idea of how I will find my soul mate is as arbitrary as the way I described in the hoax. In fact, the idea that my path will take the preconceived route could very well be keeping from the path I will eventually take. Writing a hoax, paradoxically, forced me to acknowledge the reality that I my own my expectations might be getting in the way of the anticipated goal. To continue forward with the same expectations and hoping for a different result is a sure way to repeat failure. As Einstein said, "To repeat the same thing and expect different results is insanity."

The troubling aspect of such an acknowledgement is grappling with how one should change those expectations. The immediate strategy that comes to mind is to lower those expectations. Except, for me, that is not an option.

Posted by Adam H at April 8, 2004 12:50 PM ~ Link Cosmos | Trackbacks (0)

Comments

I've been here a couple of times. The idea that a man still seeks romance and partnership intrigued me. I also read your April 1 entry and new instantly it was a hoax. You just didn't strike me as the type to jump in head first. Then I got to thinking about your "one" and wondered if you might be missing something by having such a singular vision. I now see that very same idea has occurred to you and I'm glad you've given it some thought. I wanted to share with you two things, the first of which was the answer given to me when I asked my now-husband if he was nervous to meet me for the first time. He said he was nervous about meeting someone new, just not nervous about being disappointed because he had no expectations. I guess that lends itself to maintaining one's standards and desires, just not being let down when a particular path doesn't lead one there. The second thing was just a piece of advise. Be open. You sound as if you are. When I met my husband, we were both fairly fresh out of divorces and still nursing unpleasantly hurt feelings. I, for one, was out there because I refused to give up hope. I refused to believe I'd never find love again. I refused to believe that the person I'd imagined myself with since I was a young girl just didn't exist. I, too, was a hopeful romantic. I steeled myself up, held my breath, and took a step forward. After I met him for our first date, I ran like hell. I was terrified, not that he was all wrong, but that there was a possibility of really liking him and I wasn't sure I was ready. He was in the same boat. We courted slowly for three years and just tied the knot on our four-year anniversary. It will be five in October. Sounds almost like your scenerio minus the brief breakup and eventual make-up. Not at day went by that we didn't at least speak on the phone. Hold on to your vision of "the one", be open that she might come to you in a way totally unexpected and enjoy the ride when it happens.

Posted by: Erin at April 9, 2004 04:21 PM

You should NEVER lower your expectations. That is what causes divorce. I still sometimes feel that maybe that is what I did when I met my first husband which makes me feel like shit...we were together for 8 years in which we, yes...did have some good times but for the most part, made each other miserable. I found someone soon after we separated, convinced he was the one, but it didn't work out. (See, I use that phrase, too..."the one") It just didn't work out and literally, I had a hard time functioning. But function, I did. I dated loser after loser after loser, but I refused to give up. The one HAD to be out there! I finally kicked myself into this mode: my life is good (though my job sucks at times, ha!), my kids are sweet, smart, good looking, I am a single mother & bought my own home which I was redecorating...best to enjoy those things and when/if it happens great. If not, oh well. I would say within 2 weeks of that epiphany, I met "the one" and we are getting married in May. I share everything with him, and he is the first person I want to talk to about "my news." He treats me very well, and I love him. Yes, we've fought. Yes, I fought saying I love you to him like crazy. I used to stop him from saying it to me! I had been hurt quite a bit by the losers, see...sorry, I am all over with this post BUT mainly to tell you...a search for the one does take adjusting, and rethinking, retooling...but do not lower your expectations of what you WANT. I'm done now. (ha)

Posted by: Christy (2) at April 9, 2004 08:42 PM

Adam,

I've been as cautious as you have about these things. Then, about 3 weeks ago, I went to a wedding in LA. Met someone. She's a liberal vegetarian. I'm an outspoken neoconservative blogger who thinks vegetables are what food eats. Complete trust anyway. We're in love. She's coming up to visit me now - and flying 3,000 miles to do it.

Jan is nothing like my mental picture of how this would go, or who she would be. But it feels right (she reads my blog every day, and it hasn't changed anything... go figure THAT).

It never goes down the way you think it will. Just be open to the possibilities.

Posted by: Joe Katzman at April 10, 2004 01:22 AM

I think some people have a 'thing' for these whirlwind, spontaneous types of relationships.

A while back, I had gotten back in touch with a guy I knew back when I was 14 - he lived 3000 miles away, but following months of calls and e-mails, flew out to see me. All was grand, and it looked like something might develop there. However, due to our distance (and the fact that I was involved with someone) we were proceeding with caution.

A couple months later, I flew out to see him (and family), hoping to see what would happen. I was actually contemplating moving cross-country just to see "what might happen."

And ya know what happened? He met a woman on a flight back from the Islands, exchanged e-mail addresses "to see what might happen," and claimed to be very much in love with her.

Hmmph!

At the time, I was irked, to say the least. But in retrospect, it seems there are people who NEED that instantaneous connection, that sense of danger, to stay interested. Problem is, I think they've got a terribly short attention-span, making them.. er... less than ideal partner-material.

(and for the record, I later learned this same guy had eloped with his last girlfriend - fresh on the heels of a nasty divorce).

Posted by: Nee at April 13, 2004 12:51 PM