A Single Southern Guy in America

March 23, 2004

On Dreams and Hope

A dear friend of this blog called me a 'hopeless romantic' in a comment regarding "My Favorite Visitor." How quaint.

In all fairness, I already replied to her and am taking her to task knowing full well that in all likelihood, she'll not have the opportunity to reply to my message or this post until she reaches her computer tomorrow. All's fair dear.

I take issue with her and everyone who calls a person a 'hopeless' romantic. Actually, it's the hopeless half of the label, I have a problem with--I'll let you slap me with romantic all day and night. In any event, I've grown weary of the term hopeless romantic. In my view, it is a misnomer, and hereby declare it null and void. The reasons why are many; I discuss but a few.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. - Henry David Thoreau.

The point is for so long many dreamers have been described as 'hopeless' and it is my firm belief that the incorrect term has been applied when used with the accompanying label of romantic. Why would you call a person who refuses to stop believing in their dreams of certain meant to be, hopeless? From where I stand, it is those people who no longer believe in, chase, or at least keep their dreams alive who have become hopeless. And what better to have hope in than love? Rather than being hopeless, it seems that those chasing their dreams, and especially their belief in a love to come would be the most hopeful among us.

Key says she "hate[s] it for [me]." I hate it for her if she has abandoned the passion and a life of chasing her dreams. I won't dare to say that she has. Only in one's own heart does one know if we still nurture those dreams. Despite one's best efforts, you cannot make a lie stick in your heart. To be completely candid, the last month has been most difficult for me as I have faced down a decision to abandon my dreams for that life of quiet desperation Thoreau described or to seek them still. The demon who tempts you is a cruel creature. The person who falls prey to that demon's seductive song is the one who can be called hopeless. I've wrestled with that demon recently and he is a charming and crafty bastard. To hell with him!

I grant I never saw a goddess go;

My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.

And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare

As any she belied with false compare. - William Shakespeare

Now, as I have already responded to Key, I entertain no fantasies of a blissful everafter of warm fuzzies for the rest of our days relationship. They do not exist. Anyone who tells you different is wrong or doesn't know. From my parents' divorce and the years leading up to and following it, it became exceedingly clear to this young Southerner that conflict is a part of relationships. I think, perhaps, I learned to accept or even expect an abnormal amount of conflict within a relationship from their example. What I didn't learn from them was taught to me by a special few ladies I have had the honor of loving. In a sense, sadly, I am well aware of the mundane and unpleasant parts of a relationship. Such knowledge enables one to pursue that dream with eyes wide open.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." - Matthew 7:7 (NIV)

Key, I am sure, has forgotten a converation we had one time, months ago, where I described my particular brand of looking at a world I have come to know too well and yet still see it's glass as full and filling up. I called it being an optimistic realist or, alternatively, a realistic optimist. The trite way of describing the philosophy is to say one "expects the worse and hopes for the best."

More accurately, it is a way of acknowledging all that is wrong with our flawed world, accepting that the tragic and unfortunate may befall each of us, and being ever vigilant that it may occur to oneself. Yet, it revels in the idea that the same flawed world celebrates many moments of brilliance, of incredible devotion and charity and selflessness, at once embracing and chasing the best that humanity can offer.

The operative terms of that optimism are active. It does not sit idly by waiting for life (or love) to happen to them. This philosophy both desires and seeks. As our friend Breakup Babe describes, "How many times have people said to you, 'Oh, I always find someone when I'm not looking.' And how many times do you want to slap them upside the head and tell them to shut the f--- up, because what kind of human being doesn't look for love? Losers."

The operative terms of that realism are also active. Hoping for the good one may be blessed to receive must be coupled with the realization of the trials that make the good as good as it is. As Dumas wrote, "Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. "

Another friend of ours is going through a trying time of his own right now. Some of it is a result of his own doing. Some of it stemming from poor decisions on whom to place his hope and dreams with for safekeeping. Yet, despite the bitter pills he is chewing and holding on the top of his tongue right now, he still hopes. For Rob, I offer a phrase from Churchill: "You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves."

"For hope is but the dream of those that wake." - Matthew Prior

A hopeless romantic, I am not. A dreamer who dares to believe and chase those dreams (and one in particular), I am. How hopeful are those who have tasted some of the most bitter pills this world can offer and still nurture the fires fueled by their dreams? I would say they are the ones most full of hope. When they have the courage and passion and will to chase those dreams, then they can change the world. Key says, "Being a hopeless romantic sucks." I say being without hope is like being without life. I'm hopeful and I'm alive.

(Key ~ I've owed you a dance for some time now. Let the waltzing ensue...)

Posted by Adam H at March 23, 2004 10:39 PM ~ Link Cosmos | Trackbacks (1)
Jennifer's History and Stuff linked with Close to Home

Comments

I always thought the word "hopeless" in the phrase "hopeless romantic" was not referring to the romantic person themselves, but to the situation they are in, which is perceived as "hopeless" by the person making the description. A person who pursues romance heedless of the personal cost, heedless of the consequences might well be described as "hopeless" if the person doing the describing saw no hope in the situation. The person being described obviously sees SOME hope.

Just my $0.02

Enjoy your dance with Key!

Posted by: Jack at March 24, 2004 11:21 AM

By the way, I am a single guy born and raised in the South, currently living in Austin who has a romantic streak a mile wide focused on a woman I will have to leave behind in 3 weeks when I go on a 3 year expatriate assignment in France.

So I understand what you are saying.

Posted by: Jack at March 24, 2004 11:23 AM

"I called it being an optimistic realist or, alternatively, a realistic optimist."

Funny that you should say it in this manner. I've long announced to people, "I'm a realist with optimistic tendencies."

You're the only other person I've ever run across that has said the exact same thing.

Posted by: Jett at March 24, 2004 02:07 PM

The original phrase is "hapless romantic", not "hopeless". Hapless means "having no luck; unfortunate". Oddly enough, when people (often) misquote the phrase, they still MEAN "hapless", but they say/write "hopeless".

Romantics are defined by hope, even in the midst of misfortune, or mishap - thus hapless.

Posted by: brandon at March 24, 2004 05:09 PM

"Hopeless" refers to the fact that the person is so entrenched in romanticism that there is no hope of them ever abandoning their rosy outlook and becoming cynical or something than romantic. Not really an insult.

Posted by: Russell at March 25, 2004 08:18 AM

You'll have to forgive the URL of my blog -- I didn't pick it. Long story. Anyway, I have to say that I admire anyone who has the cajones/ovaries to say that they are still a romantic in this day & age. Face it --- in current American culture, the goal is not to seek true love, it's to not get caught grappling with a real emotion.

It's all about who's "coolest" (or whatever the modern juvenile lexicon may equivocate), who's the one who's LEAST ATTACHED. To dedicate oneself, even a fraction of one's life, to romance, love, even affection --- is considered "needy"/"codependent"/"weak." Just ask Oprah or Dr. Phil, the bullshit artists of the moment.

It takes guts to put your feelings out there for the world to see, and anyone who can't understand that is obviously too superficial to DEAL with real emotion or too stupid to comprehend it. Hang onto your dreams, Adam. And never let the bastards get you down.

Posted by: Joanna at March 25, 2004 11:24 AM

God knows I tried, but you have exceeded my whine limit. Into the bit bucket.

Posted by: Walter Wallis at March 25, 2004 10:33 PM

I linked to this entry in my journal. I hope you don't mind.
link

Posted by: Sylvia at March 28, 2004 08:59 PM

I have Never found it when I am looking, and had the greatest of all land in my lap after I ceased to care about it. The thing is - is to enjoy your life wether you are with someone or not. The day I met my wife I was certainly not out to impress anyone - drunk, naked, covered in mud, tripping on acid, yet there she was. The romance is Life - the rest will follow with a life of it's own.

Posted by: werbinox at March 31, 2004 07:03 AM

To a Stranger

Passing stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me
as of a dream,)
I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate,
chaste, matured,
You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours
only nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you
take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or
wake at night alone,
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

~Walt Whitman

Posted by: Godfrey at May 14, 2004 08:53 PM