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February 26, 2004Dating By SectionThe dating world across this great country seems to have as many differences as it does similarities. What puzzles me is whether the differences are owed to the diverse cultures of the many sections of this country, the similarities due to the near universal dynamics of the basic differences between men and women, of if it is a little of both. From my own vagabond wanderings around this great nation, I have seen all too many times the different ways the dating games are played in areas across the country. In many ways the complex mating rituals of the human species are nearly identical with a few tweaks here and there. In other ways, the entire ritual seems unrecognizable from one locale to the next. The constant is that individuals pursue and are chased and sometimes pursue while being chased. It’s enough to strike fear into the weak-kneed singles wherever they practice their craft. To the great disappointment of many of my guy pals and some of my gal pals, I did not consummate any kind of relationship during my time on the campaign trail in New Hampshire and New York City. I had my opportunities and if I thought about too long, I might discover tinges of regret for not seizing the moments that were greeting me. The simple and most direct explanation is that I did not have time for any extracurricular affairs of the heart. On any campaign the credo of life is work; the pace is incessant. Meals come as you work, after work you retire with friends to discuss the day’s developments or the next 12-36 hours tasks and moves. Sleep comes finally, and lasts tragically too short. To make time for any other activities is to take time away from your life’s goal—a winning campaign. Even as I write this, my heart muses about several of the "could have been's” that were not meant to be, thus were not. The great benefit of working in the environment of a presidential campaign is that you are able to work with people from across the nation with backgrounds as diverse as the snowflakes covering the vast expanses of New Hampshire. I learned a lot about people from different parts of the country, their values, how their values had evolved depending on where they were in their lives at the time. Imagine a New Hampshire man who was as big a fan of Jerry Jeff Walker as I am and you can begin to understand the great learning experience such an environment offers. Yet, I digress from our topic of differences and similarities in dating across sectional lines. The chief question is dating really all that different in other parts of the country as it is here in the South? The answer is a resounding Yes. And, No. And, maybe. I quickly noticed the different ways people approached each other—whether it be guy to girl, or girl to guy. While there were other Southern men involved with the campaign, I believe it would be fair and accurate to say that I was the only one who fully embraced his inherent Southerness with pride and fearlessness. Fearlessness in regard to the somewhat common practice of many Southerners to suppress the most Southern aspects of their personality and character in the face of people from other parts of the country. In the interest of full disclosure, I did try to curb my accent some during the business hours and while phonebanking New Hampshire voters. However, doing so became a new definition of an exercise in futility. I discovered something about being Southern—people were intrigued by it. For many of them, being around me were the first time they had ever witnessed some of the most basic things that Southern men do as an afterthought. At times, it felt almost as if people were watching an exhibit in a museum or worse a zoo. It was if they were laying eyes on a species they had only read about or seen on television and in the movies. It was then that it began to be very clear that there were indeed some striking differences in the country’s sections and the way natives of each interacted with others. It is not my purpose to make a value judgement on whether Southern culture and mores are better than others are. There are a thousand arguments that can and would be made either way. Instead, I’d liken it to my reasoning on remaining a Southern Baptist. Despite the fact that I disagree with many of the views held by your average Southern Baptist, I choose to remain one for two reasons. First, in the framework of the denomination's dogma, there is great leeway allowed to determine your own beliefs based on your own study of the Bible and your personal experiences. The other is the most simple and common to any sociology freshman. It is comfortable to me. It is what I am used to and therefore what I prefer. The songs, the order of service, the themes, even the layout of the sanctuaries, are all elements that I was raised in and feel at home with. Similarly, the notion of dating in the culture of the South is what I am familiar with and prefer. Regardless of any arguments of another section having a more optimal dating culture, I’ll take the South and our mores. Fortunately, I am well traveled enough to be able to recognize its idiosyncrasies, hypocrisies, and counterintuitive traditions. It may not be perfect, but its what I like. Still, regardless of sectional culture, dating cultures have too many similarities to ignore. One could make a very strong argument that a skilled Midwestern dater could be relatively successful in New England, the South, the Mountain West, and any number of other sections. I’d tend to agree with such an argument when one considers that ultimately dating between men and women boil down to gender differences that transcend sectional cultures. The earliest of feminists sought one primary objective: to acknowledge that the traits associated with the feminine nature of humanity to be recognized and valued on an equal plane with the traits associated with masculinity. In dating, regardless of locale, a man still needs to act like and be a man and a woman still wants to be valued and treated like a woman should be. (I’ll not venture any further towards any stereotypes or interpretations of what those things are; use your own good judgement to discern them) In terms of how dating is similar across sectional lines, the metaphor of the battle of the sexes may be most apt. Like warfare, similar techniques are employed by both sides of the dating camps despite location. Men posture and try to get women’s attention, while women continue to use their comely charms to beguile men. Their particular methods of doing so may vary by section, but in the end, it’s still very much the same dance of the human mating ritual. A sharp eye could pick up on these nuances quickly and adjust their dating approach accordingly. Thereby, a gifted Midwestern dater might be successful wherever he or she might find themselves. The universal ways of the dating world can be a both a tragedy and joy to any man or woman. While being so many, many miles away from my comfort zone of the world of Southern dating, I still was honored, flattered and blessed to enjoy many of the subtle movements of the dance of the mating ritual. The comfortable feeling of interlocking arms for the first time while riding home in the crowded backseat of a cab, the warm smile of an attractive woman, the intense conversations with the eyes gazing so deeply into each other that you might see a glimpse of another’s soul, the trepidation of whether to attempt a kiss or not, a cautious hand lightly resting on the small of my back or on a lady’s shoulder, locking eyes and exchanging amused grins across a crowded room, the musing of ‘what if’ as you drift off into the land of dreams are only a few examples of the universal dance steps of the dating culture I experienced. They were both familiar and different at the same time and always welcome. Perhaps the most striking of the universal elements of dating came from observing the two extremes. Not engaging in any fully blooming relationship, I certainly could not speak from first hand experience. Still, I have felt them enough times in my own life and seen it in the faces and lives of many friends that the signs were unmistakable. The look of heartbreak and love can be identified on any face. There was a couple that I worked with who were newly in love and I became an informal confessor of sorts to the both of them through our friendship. To be privy to their careful walk towards love was a joy in and of itself. The more mature love of another couple who had left their home and jobs in Virginia to join the campaign as a package demonstrated another face of love. The volunteer couple from California, married for decades, illustrated the love I have seen among people in my family and community. The lady in her late thirties who had been in what must have been a torturous process of slowly becoming evermore estranged from her husband of several years outwardly displayed a sunny disposition, but her eyes betrayed a hurt, a fear, and disappointment that requires no language to communicate. Some things are universal. I believe heartbreak and love are two of those.
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