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November 20, 2003"You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss..."Welcome to the weekly Kissing Booth, your one stop shop for relationship articles, posts, and musings. This week has everything from the intriguing world of Dom/Sub to poetry over tattered and failing affairs to defenses of singlehood to a critical analysis of a current reality show. I would like to add one thing, before going on. Just like the Carnival of the Vanities, Bonfire, etc, the idea of the Kissing Booth is to get your work in front of a broader audience. Part of that includes linking back to it, so if you have a post in the Kissing Booth (or even if you don't, but you like it), please provide a linkback so that all the Kissing Booth authors can benefit from the additional exposure. If you have a post, column, or article about relationships that you’d like to see featured in the Kissing Booth next week, just email it to kissbooth-at-singlesouthernguy.com. Please include the title of your post, it’s perma-link, and sentence or two describing the piece. Entries are due by 6 EST each Wednesday. To submit a question for “Ask Adam” you can use the same email address(we still need one for next week). Now, with a wink and smile and a blown kiss, I give you this week's Kissing Booth! Joe No-Six Pack You Gotta Fight For Your Right To ... Be Single Maybe Those Southern Baptists Are On To Something After All Ben and his wife have been married 33 years. About eighteen months ago, his wife announced that she wanted to be 'surrendered' (as in The Surrendered Wife ). Enjoy Ben's delectable real life adult fairy tale! Ode To Tainted Love Good For Nothing But Making Babies! Calculated Courage In the wake of the recent controversy here about Getting A Number and then not calling back, the Yeti also shows us the algorithmic formula behind why some men call and some don't. Do Not Feed The Bears Whole Lotta Lovin' When It Rains, It Pours Love Me Like They Used To Three's Company Too Go Ahead, Make My DayEric takes women to task about the Tall, Dark, and Handsome fetish so many entertain. When will the red-headed stranger come back into vogue, Blondie? (extra points if you can name the movie that refers to). Sasquatch Lovin' This week's Ask Adam question comes from Jen of Jen Speaks. She asks, "Must there be a be a Quest to find The One?" My answer is in the continue reading section. Be sure to look for Erin's Take later today. Must there be a Quest to find The One?
Gentle readers, I have to be honest with you. I started to answer this question the entire wrong way. As this site describes itself, "The epic ramblings of a young professional in the South in his Quixote-like quest to find 'the One'," I began to answer it by describing what I really mean by that statement. However, that article is for another day. Jen is asking if do you actually have to have a declared, dedicated active search to find 'The One.' The simple answer is no, you don't have to, but then again, if you want to find your keys, you can't simply sit on your couch and hope they'll pop up through the cushions and land in your lap. However, despite my whimsical comment the other day about being a bear sitting on the bank of a river and having a fish land in my lap with no effort on the bear's part, you have to seek that which you want. Whether you do it passively or actively is your decision. People find mates both ways. However, upon finding or bumping into someone that has the potential to be 'The One', you have to put forth effort to grow that relationship to its logical or emotional conclusion. Sometimes that means two dates and nothing more. Sometimes you get into a serious relationship for a year or years. There is an infinite number of possibilities of the path relationship could take and there is a very narrow chance that any relationship will develop and grow into the lifelong love many of us seek. The point is finding a mate or a partner requires effort. The effort required is a partial way of preparing you for a committed relationship. Ask any married or united couple; it takes work. If you're not willing to work to find a mate, how are you going to be willing to work to maintain a relationship? Does there have to be a "Quest?" No, but you have to put forth effort. Sure there are instances of people just running into each other, marrying a couple of weeks later, and staying happily married for the rest of their lives. Do you remember the scenes of the couples discussing how they met in When Harry Met Sally? It illustrates a key point--Finding your partner happens, it happens in different ways, and no on can say just how it will happen. However, as my momma told me, " suburban blight linked with K is for Kissin'... Jen Speaks linked with The Latest in the Kissing Booth Tales from a Yeti Suit linked with Kissing Booth Jan's Liahona linked with More Kisses Southern Musings linked with The Newest Edition of the Kissing Booth Comments
Check your link to Lisa's Avg Joe post. I got a bunch of pop up windows? Posted by: sugarmama at November 20, 2003 03:37 PMI'm liking this kissin' booth thing...but, you forgot the link, kemosabee....HA! Adam, that's a fine answer to my question, but it's not really what I was asking. Please allow me to clarify a little. Why must there be a quest in the first place? We live in a couples-oriented world. The vast majority of people desire to be in a loving, committed relationship. However, there are many who are just fine with being single. So for those of us who are content with singleness, it's a little frustrating for people in our lives to persist in attempting to change our contented status. And a little painful as well - because that contentedness may have been a long time coming in a process of allowing that a dream may never come to fruition and being able to move on with life. That was the whole point of my original post in defense of singleness. Hopefully this makes sense. It's been a long day! Thanks for the links and for taking my question. Posted by: jen at November 20, 2003 05:13 PMJen, Maybe sometime in the future, when everything is solved and there is no need for God because therapy has fixed us all, we can let go of the archaic notion that a single man and a single woman come together as one to form a family from which offspring are generated, raised, and sent forth to do the same. Your choosing to be single (and it is a choice), and in fact your ability to survive as an independent woman is based on the 106 billion people that lived before you choosing a path to couplehood. This may make you sad - but a society that does not encourage its women of childbearing age to mate with acceptable men won't be around very long for the single people to enjoy. Our civilization, the one that allows you to work for a living using your brains, is a strong one - but the tenets that underlie it or weak. Every generation, they have to be renewed. That's the secret and mystery of life. Posted by: TheYeti at November 21, 2003 08:34 AMRegardless how love is found, it must be maintained. Whether the courtship lasts two days for two decades, love is work. It's worthwhile work, but work nonetheless. For those who don't desire it, be happy on your own terms. Most people are designed for companionship. love, romance, sex with another person, support and all the other things that are benefits of love. No person is an island – even single people have some sort of support network of family, friends or co-workers. Do what is best for you. I could tell you the story about how I met my wife, but it's my story and doesn't apply to anyone else (except my wife, that is). Good luck to those who are looking. Posted by: Texas T-Bone at November 21, 2003 11:43 AMYeti, no offense taken by your comments (or anyone's really). I understand the need to propagate the species. I don't dispute that mating is required and desired. I didn't consciously choose to remain single. I just reached a point where I realized that I may not be meant for marriage. It doesn't mean the the desire for a companion to share my life with has evaporated, just that in my life priorities the hunt for a man is low on the list. I had to learn to be content in my singleness - it was struggle to get where I am emotionally today. Because, honestly, I'd like to be married someday. But I'm fine if that never happens too. My observation is that singles are often considered (I'm speaking very generally here) "less than," "incomplete," "pitiable," etc. I don't need (or want) a man to complete me. I need to be complete on my own before a man can share my life. And I want him to be complete as well. I just think that there are a lot of single people who are missing out on the great lives they have because they are on a quest to find someone they think might give them a better life. I can't depend on anyone else for my happiness. Posted by: jen at November 21, 2003 04:33 PMPost a comment
 
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