A Single Southern Guy in America

October 04, 2003

A Pause In The Quest…?

I am a bit perplexed.

The quest to find “The One” continues, however, I realized this week that the normal pursuit does not interest me. Given my many references and adoption of the Not Dating™ and Helping Folks Out© systems, this should come as no surprise to any of the longtime readers or myself for that matter. It’s abundantly clear I am not interested in “dating as traditionally conceived” and all its inherent games. Prospects abound around me. Yet, I find a troubling lack of motivation to avail myself of the opportunities and to leverage the years of experience towards that goal. Unfortunately, the typical and usually successful approaches to an unknown young lady have grown wearisome to me. It has become too easy to get the number and have the second, third, and more dates.

It seems as if I want the discovery of “The One” to just happen. As if it were to occur with no effort on my part. As if in the next moment, she will approach my table and ask what I am writing. “She” is certainly bold enough to do so. I simply make myself available, she will approach me, and a whirlwind fairy tale romance will ensue. However, if I let her get to that point, she will be incredulous of my sincere interest.

Unrealistic, I know.

The conundrum is this. I want to win her heart. I want her to want me to win it. However, the process of winning a heart is almost exclusively governed by the rules of “dating as traditionally conceived” and it’s games. Her wanting me to win her heart is either immediate and without challenge (near impossible) or polluted by games (tainted). I want something of both.

To explain more fully, I want to earn her love fairly and have it given to me at the same time. Have my cake and eat it, as it were. None of the risk, none of the work, and all of the reward. Win the lottery. Hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, such a scenario will certainly not be the case. That which is worthwhile is difficult.

My momma taught me at an early age that prayer alone is not enough. The Lord helps those who help themselves. With my recent reticence to pursue, it is clear that I will not find “The One” in the manner I am inclined to do now.

I am more than ready and willing to help myself in the quest. My quandary is to determine how I go about it. Shall I venture into the world of “dating as traditionally conceived?(not likely)” Shall I approach each and every available young lady(less likely)? Shall I maintain my current modus operandi (more likely)? Should I withdraw and ponder possible paths (not even close, but then again…)? I am dedicated to Keeping the Faith, however, I am ready to decide which actions to take in pursuit of keeping that faith.

The quest has reached a fork in the road. Frost would advise taking the “Road Less Traveled.” What would be your counsel?

Posted by Adam H at October 4, 2003 05:02 PM ~ Link Cosmos | Trackbacks (0)

Comments

I have a feeling she'll kinda flal into your lap as you do the things you do already. Assuming those things bring you into contact with other people.

I dunno.

Maybe we should start a blogger dating service? Guys and girls could read the blogs of eligable and seeking bloggers, and start talking together.

Posted by: Michael Williams at October 4, 2003 05:24 PM

Wow, I wish it was that easy for ME to get the number, and go about getting first, second, and more dates. But I'm one of the shyest men in the world, which makes it kinda hard. :P

Posted by: Ryan Waddell at October 4, 2003 08:24 PM

Things happen in the strangest ways. Why do you have to know -how- you are going to find her? I think it would be more wise to know that you are. While I realize this is your 'quest', if you look too hard for something you'll never find it. JMHO

Posted by: Ashia at October 5, 2003 08:27 AM

I would play it both ways. I would date without expectation so the pressure would not be there. But if a lady passed the 3 week test, I would look to take it to the next level.

I used this approach in Atlanta, and it worked well, almost. I had a great time, and then married a girl I never planned on dating. We had dated in college 8 years previously, ran into each other again in ATL, and decided immediately to be only friends. A year later there was no turning back.

Tom

PS The 3 week test means date for 3 weeks with absolutely no expectations. Odds are there will be characteristics in the person that will start to annoy you. If they show up, you are entitled to break up with no fights or games. They have not told anyone that you are "the one", and so you do not have to be denigrated as she has told all you are just seeing each other.

And you are not chased from the social circle immediately.... It has worked very well for myself and a few friends.

Posted by: Tom at October 5, 2003 04:48 PM

I was about to write about this, capping the NotDating experience and explaining why it does not work for guys like us.

And I may join you for a Geor-Bama blogger meetup.

Posted by: TheYeti at October 6, 2003 10:03 AM

You think too damn much. If you spent as much time actually getting involved in things that interest you as you seem to spend analyzing every emotion to death and then blogging about the outcome of the analysis, you'd meet a lot more people who share your interests, and increase the likelihood of meeting "the one" (though I myself don't believe in "the one" in the same way you seem to). Your "quest for the one" is a paradox - a catch-22. You'll never find her if you're actively looking. That's the nature of the beast. It reeks of desperation, and women smell desperation like dogs smell fear.

Furthermore, while you've got your eyes on the horizon scanning for this "dream girl", this "soulmate" who may or may not exist, you'll only miss the wonderful people who are right in front of you.

Posted by: coffee achiever at October 6, 2003 01:08 PM

OK, I was having this *exact* conversation with a bunch of early 30's females over the weekend. We were all lamenting that we don't want to put all the work into getting to know someone at this point. We're worn out. We all want to be married. We've all had significant relationships, but are hesitant to start another one. Why? Because it's work that doesn't necessarily bear fruit. There are no guarantees. So what's the answer?

Posted by: beth at October 6, 2003 03:31 PM

First off, I look forward to your post Yeti.

Tom, I like the program you propose.

Ashia, it's a lot like folks who want to know exactly how God is going to help them with whatever they are seeking.

Coffie achiever--first thanks for the linkage, I will return the favor. I love the name as coffee is 50% of what I ingest. However, I hardly think a one page/513 word look at something is over analysis. As for the desperation, I think you miss the point that it is not desperation, but rather a disinterest in the whole scene (as Beth described in her comment). As for me getting out and doing things that interest me, I'd encourage you to skim through the archives or even click the 'reticence' link above before jumping to such a conclusion. In the archives might I suggest the Wild Night series? More recently, have a look at a week ago Sunday's "Sunday Daze."

Posted by: Adam at October 6, 2003 07:34 PM

Adam,

Sorry if I prejudged or jumped to inaccurate conclusions - your blog description of your "Quixote-like quest to find 'The One.'" combined with what I saw on Stacia's 'Musings' (the blog that led me here) may have colored my expectations before I even read a word of what you had to say. I apologize.

And I understand the bit about being tired of the game - I was there myself a few years ago (happily married now) and I can say with certainty - at least from my own experience - that LOOKING for "the one" is the surest way NOT to find her (or him).

The point is, you should let your heart, not your mind, guide you in your "quest". And the human heart is not something that lends itself to logical analysis. :)

Posted by: coffee achiever at October 6, 2003 08:36 PM

Stop being lazy!! Stop avoiding the risk factor! Stop thinking the matramony fairy is going to swoop down, tap you ont he shoulder and say, "Hey, that girl over there...no that one reading the back of the frosted flakes box...she's the one..."

Posted by: Queen Goddess at October 7, 2003 09:51 AM