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September 26, 2003Keeping The FaithIn the little town I have been calling home and in little towns like it all over the nation, if you remain unmarried by age 25, you are in a miniscule minority. Your friends are either married or among the select few who also remain unmarried. While it may be tempting to focus on the negative aspect of being among that limited number of singles in a small town, there is a directly related benefit to being a bachelor in such a town. When you become friends with that small number of singles, you are within a group where friendships and familiarity come suddenly and more fully than when mixing with the large pond of singles in a big city. It has been more difficult for me to enter into that circle in my little town, probably because I am not only from there, but I am from nowhere near or similar to there. However, once I was welcomed into their circle, I knew immediately that I had a many good friends that I could call for any need. In the big city, it is different. You may make acquaintances as quickly or more quickly than in the little towns, but being welcomed into their friendship is a much more difficult task. Perhaps out of a necessary barrier of self-protection, folks here are not nearly as willing to allow you to enter the circle of their intimates. An apples and oranges comparison, but perhaps an apt analogy, is a simple action I did last night. While writing out the “Modern Atlanta” post, I needed to retire to the facilities for a moment. Back home, I would have stood right up and walked to them. Here, I stowed the laptop safely away before venturing away. I felt a need to secure a valuable possession, rather than allowing it to remain in an area unguarded. Perhaps, it’s the same way with big city singles hearts and intimate circles. They cannot allow them to remain open to those around them without some sort of safeguard. In the small town, once you enter the circle of friendship, you are a full member. In the big city, you have to work your way into the closest of inner circles and trust. Another analogy might be saying the secret word to enter a speakeasy is like the small towns and working your way up the social ladder of the Junior League is akin to the big cities. However, owing to the fact that most of the residents here are ex-pats from other parts of the nation, most seem to have a sense of needing companionship, conversation, to merely be around others. Perhaps, it is a desire to affirm the personal bulwarks of emotional defense by seeing others. Perhaps, it is the normal human, even animal, instinct to be near others of your own kind. Perhaps, it is a thousand things. Regardless, we return to the embrace of singlehood in these environments. Just as both the big city and small town residents have their different ways of allowing people into the inner circles of friendship and trust, they both have a similar underlying need—a need for love, companionship, intimates. From my limited experience, I observe that big city singles are more apt to say that they are looking for the loves of their lives. Small town singles are just as apt to declare that they don’t need a partner. Upon entering their trust, you become able to tell when they are sincere or not. Nine times out of ten, the person who proclaims they do not need another person in their life is the ones who need or want it the most. The gradual acceptance of big city folks says to me that they are just as protective of their hearts as anyone else. The tough entrance requirements into circles of friendship of small town folks demonstrate the same protective nature of big city folks. We all fear being hurt by a close friend or intimate. We fear hurt. However, we all need love. We want people who care what happened today. We want people who know what we’re saying. We need people to talk to, cry on their shoulders, cry laughing with, to be down with, and to be pick us up. The extrapolation of this is the need for “The One.” It is an instinctual, spiritual, and insurmountable need and drive to seek out a person who fulfills those needs and desires. We hope to find that person. Hope is closely related to the opportunity available to you and your experiences. Whether acknowledged or not, it is most people’s hope to realize and hold to the person they recognize as their partner, their best friend, their soulmate, “The One.” With hope and love recognized, in my mind and heart it boils down to a matter of faith. Hopelessness can stem from repeated disappointments, but acutely from disappointments emanating from those closest to us. In any case, the loss of hope dooms the prospect for love. The underpinnings of hope are weakened by the lack of opportunity in small towns and more acutely from the disappointments of those whom you have finally allowed into your inner circle. However, the foundations of faith are degraded in the big city by the continual erosion of trust such as “is my car safe here, should I lock my doors, what is that person doing?” The erosion of hope engenders bitterness and hardness of the heart. However, the loss of faith is a more certain road to losing hope and ultimately love than of hope. You can always find more hope—either by circumstance or location. Faith is from within your soul. Faith swims closely with trust. When we have trusted and been hurt, faith is by increments degraded. After being hurt by enough people we have trusted, our propensity to trust is limited. Slowly, we begin to lose hope in discovering another person we will trust again. We come to feel there is less and less of a chance to discover someone worthy of our trust and begin losing hope of finding someone worthy of our trust and faith. We lose hope. The questions become, “Is there sufficient faith burning brightly in your mind, heart, and soul to sustain your dream of finding “The One? Can I continue to hope that he or she is still out there? Will I ever find true love?” My only answer is that is incumbent upon all of us who have not found “The One,” our true love, to nurture both beliefs of hope and faith. I have lived in both places where hope is attacked and faith is assailed. Each our equally important and are inextricably connected. If you are ever to find that one person we all seek, you must have faith and hope. Still not convinced? I’ll offer this one passage to you--- Faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love. 1st Corinthians 13:13 Single gentle readers, Keep The Faith. Posted by Adam H at September 26, 2003 08:15 AM ~ Link Cosmos | Trackbacks (3)Michael Williams -- Master of None linked with Finding "The One" Michael Williams -- Master of None linked with Finding "The One" Michael Williams -- Master of None linked with Finding "The One" Comments
youre right, its really hard to be single in a small town. esp. in the south. firstly everyone nags you to get married, or at least date. and then they set you up with their creepy cousin. but its not like you wouldnt date or marry. its just that you never meet anyone. Posted by: chevy at September 26, 2003 08:54 AMI don't think singles in a big city are more vocal about "wanting to get married". It's more common in a city like Atlanta for people to be in their 30s and single. And all I've ever found in ATL bars is a bunch of cheeseballs who wanted a one night stand. Eeeuw. While you may not have a big dating pool in a small city, you have a very hard time in a big city picking out the gems from the crap in a large dating pool. A close knit circle of friends provides a system of checks and balances for you to discover if the person you just started dating is a good or bad person. If you are in Atlanta and start dating a transient, there is no easy way to find out much about that person. That sounds darn scary to me. Posted by: sugarmama at September 26, 2003 10:10 AMI wish I would have been able to read your blog about 2 years ago.... would have changed my life. Posted by: ho at September 26, 2003 01:22 PMAs a believer in fate, I know that the one is out there somewhere. I strongly believe that because it's happened to too many people I know. Took my Dad three times, but he finally found the right one, and no, it wasn't my Mom. I'm still looking...I have a few leads, though. Sugarmama makes a great point. It's hard to find a diamond buried in tons of coal. The larger the city, the more coal, the smaller the city, the less diamonds. I like the odds in a smaller city. Posted by: Howard at September 26, 2003 03:09 PMGreat point sugar. My only possible contention is that I wouldn't throw cities like Birmingham and Little Rock into the BIG big sity category like Atlanta. And Holly, that may be the best complement anyone has offered my writing and blog. Posted by: Adam at September 26, 2003 05:08 PMMy folks love that chapter so much, my sisters and I have the middle names Faith, Hope and Charity (as the KJV defined love). Hence, my name: Elizabeth Charity. my experience in the city... I find so many things and people to take up my time... compared with life in a smaller town it is just plain boring because I hardly meet new people... so I guess I don't long as much for a relationship in the city as I do in a small town... because I don't feel as lonely... Posted by: Kelt at September 30, 2003 01:21 PMI moved from Boston to Cullman, Alabama (population 15,000, salute!) when I was 25 and lived there for a year and a half. Since I was unmarried (and not in a rush to tie the knot) I perplexed the locals. At one point an older woman (who was trying to set me up with her daughter) told me it was alright if I was gay. I met a wonderful woman and match when I was 32 (here in Decatur, Alabama, and we just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, so yes, you can meet outstanding people in a small town. Posted by: david at September 30, 2003 02:09 PMPost a comment
 
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