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August 15, 2003True MarriageIt only seems fitting for the Single Guy In The South to weigh in on his concept of marriage. My viewpoint may be a bit shocking initially considering my proclivity for traditional mores such as Southern Belles and gentlemen. However, your humble correspondent hails from a broken home. The home in which I was raised until its sad shattering was anchored in the bedrock of traditional values of family and marriage. Like a collapsing ice shelf of a glacier, the family and traditions I was raised to swear allegiance to came crashing into an abyss. My orderly belief system fell into the oceans of the generation of divorce was compelled to reshape itself into something that was the same at the core, yet unrecognizable to those who knew it before. Understandably, my thoughts and beliefs on the institution of marriage changed. In many ways, they changed for me to make sense of the bizarre world I unwillingly had entered. A new framework, a new understanding, a new thought process was necessary for me to continue functioning. During this time, I turned to God and the Bible, to my role models, to my inner soul to determine what I was to believe. Keep on reading to find out what changed and how it resulted... I read voraciously. I talked at length to with my role models. Between tears and anger, I meditated for untold hours about the demise of my parents’ marriage. I searched my soul. I arrived at an answer. Marriage is more—much more—than its modern construction. Marriage as we legally know it is little more than a signed piece of paper, normally accompanied by a pair or three rings. It is merely a legally binding contract that requires certain obligations from each party to the agreement. It is cold, it is calculable, robotic, and dead to the heart and soul. Worse yet, it is easy to get married. It is convenient. You can be married tomorrow if you’d like. Entering into marriage is only slightly more complicated than making multiple orders at Taco Bell. Preparing frozen lasagna in a microwave may be slightly more difficult. A true marriage is altogether different. True marriages may have the same trappings—a piece of paper, rings, a shared domicile—but they own something special that such adornments could never capture or define. True marriages eclipse these legal and symbolic norms. Did Adam and Eve have rings? Did they have a signed piece of paper to show Cain and Abel that they were married? Was there a ceremony in a holy place with a minister or at a courthouse with a minor elected official? Of course, there was not. Yet, they were mankind’s first recorded married couple. Perhaps Abraham and Sarah were united with the benefit of a religious ceremony. If they were, it was not important enough to mention in the Scripture. Further, the most well known mention of a wedding ceremony is when Christ turned water into wine. My parents were married 21 years. The day before Mom left, I was a believer; a prophet of the traditionally conceived marriage. On a Sunday evening on a New Year’s Day at 8:30 in the evening, it all came crashing down on and around me. My frame of reference was annihilated and the recovery and rebuilding effort commenced at once. Together, my parents had reared me with an exceptionally strong moral compass and deep, strong roots of a love for God. Those cornerstones of my foundation were mocked in an instant. In the flash of flirting eyes, my entire world had changed forever. I determined that marriage means more. A true marriage is about mutual self-respect, admiration, and friendship. It is a partnership of equals. A real marriage is a joint venture between investors. The success of the marriage is based on equitable contributions by both partners. The true marriage relies on action as much and more than it relies on emotion. And actions are as or more important than emotion. Marriage is not dependent on a piece of paper, rings or a ceremony—solemn or otherwise. Such things are important to society, your state government and the IRS. They may serve as potent symbols to the wedded couple, but symbolism is where they end. Too often, such symbols mean nothing to the couple. Too often such disregard for these symbols are portents for future tragedies of the heart. For me marriage begins long before the ceremony and ceases far in advance of a final divorce settlement. This is not to advocate adultery or common law marriages, but to illustrate the fundamental nature of a true marriage. In genuine unions, the hearts, minds, and souls are as one. The commitment, devotion, and affinity shared resonates from their inner selves. Their love for one another radiates whether they are together or not. When together, there are fewer finer sights to witness. To see the truly married couple is one of the most inspiring, reassuring, and invigorating moments a single person can experience. As we singles trudge through the dreary wilderness seeking our soulmates, the opportunity to see these paragons of real love, of true marriage, are many times the only sliver of hope we find. A veritable ray of light in the cold and harsh winter as we wait for our spring. We singles are grateful to God for those truly in love and truly married. At times, they are our only inspiration. They offer us a compelling reason to keep faith. Certainly the same couples have their problems. They disagree, they argue, they sulk, they disappoint each other. But, they overcome those challenges, persevering for the sake of one another and themselves. They are able to conquer obstacles larger than the highest mountain and the widest of rivers. Diamonds are brittle when compared to the strength of spirit and the shared love of the truly married couple. I wish I knew their secret. From all of the truly married I have had the good fortune and honor to know, it is clear they would love to know the secret themselves. No can explain it. This humble missive is merely an attempt to describe its attributes. To fully and truly comprehend the why’s and where for’s of how a true marriages exist, persist, and endure is beyond a mortal’s ability. Only God knows why. It is my closely held and sincere conviction that I will find “The One” for me. More deeply and more closely held, I know that long before an engagement, and longer still before a wedding ceremony that I will be truly wedded. Our union of souls will illuminate and warm all who venture near. Without equivocation, those singles who are fortunate enough to observe us will declare an enduring belief in the hope, faith, dedication to love.
OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY linked with CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #48 OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY linked with CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES #48 Comments
The secret is that both must be able, as Amy Tan put it, give of yourself with both hands open. (Isn't that a great description?) Or that's my opinion, for what it's worth. Posted by: rita at August 16, 2003 06:58 AMI wish I had found "the one" before marrying. I wish I wasn't so naive at times. I wish you all the luck in finding "the one". They tell me it will come when you least expect it, so patience is key.... :) we have already had that discussion though... about patience..... :) That was a beautiful way to describe marriage..... thank you for sharing that with all of us. Posted by: Ho at August 16, 2003 07:40 AMI was a single guy, mostly in the south, for my first thirty-four years (and my wife a single girl for 31). Needless to say, our marriage has been eye-opening for both of us, we've learned that a marriage takes work, communication and trust, and that nothing worthwhile is necessarily easy. Posted by: david at August 16, 2003 05:34 PMMarriages do take work, lots of it. Oddly enough, I no longer believe that it's about finding the "right person," or even about love. Love is an emotion that waxes and wanes, and there are times in a marriage when you may not like your spouse. What's important is that you both have the sense of mutual respect, and committment to the relationship. The relationship is bigger than either of you. It's more than the sum of its parts. There is of course no excuse for abuse in a marriage, and there are reasons to terminate a marriage. Posted by: Dean Esmay at August 17, 2003 12:14 AMMarriage... strange..... as I am currently waiting to hear the end of mine. He has been gone for over a year and a half, yet still the great state of California has not made it final. I married "the one" That is what I said to myself as we were planning the Vegas wedding where Elvis would give me away.... Less than 24 hours from the proposal we were walking down an aisle Llorenzo Lamas and Jon Bon Jovi had walked down. Nobody was there. I flew My best friend in from Austin to be my Maid Of Honor. But other than Melanie, Elvis and a woman preacher.... we were alone. I loved him more than myself....and had done so for several years prior to our marriage. This is why when the yelling and hitting began, I somehow condoned it. This is why I lasted over 4 years married to a man who never told his family or friends that I was his wife. This is why I somehow overlooked infidelities with prostitutes, groupies and random women. My parents are still married, they argue occasionally, but they stand together, This is what I believed in and what I wanted. Alas it was not to be. I have learned 2 things from this experience. 1. Do not let anyone tell you who you are, only your heart can do that. If you allow someone else to dictate your being you will lose sight of yourself and this is very hard to regain. You will do things that later will seem incredulous, and you will be left alone without even your own wherewithal to get back up. 2. Do not marry a Jewish Frenchman who plays Drums and does temp jobs. Especially if you are Southern. You will spend all of the holidays wondering what everyone is saying about you at the table, and your diamonds will never be as big as Aunt AnneMarie's. (Even though you went to GIA school and can see the giant carbon deposit in that 4 carat thing from all the way across the room) Oh and BTW that last part although true in my case was meant to crack a smile.... Marriage takes work and everything Dean said was true.... I just realized too late that I was the only one actually married.........I hope you arent bummed because that was so helpful, spilling the beans like that. Posted by: Mrs Robinson at August 19, 2003 08:03 PMFor my part, the secret appears to be: when you ask her what's wrong, and she says "nothing", learn to tell when she's lying, and then pursue the matter, gently and supportively, until she tells you why she's unhappy. Unhappiness can be cheered up. Suffering in silence will do to a marriage what a bull does to a china shop, except in slow motion. Posted by: Harvey at August 20, 2003 01:03 PMPost a comment
 
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