A Single Southern Guy in America

August 14, 2003

An Apologia For NotDating™ and Helping Folks Out©

Here I come riding in late to play for the Blue Team again...

The Yeti has started a firestorm in his comments that shouldn't be. What strikes me as I read over the comments is the way it seems that so many are trying to debate Yeti in the ways that they agree with him. His central contention (and that of QG) is true--in dating as traditionally conceived, the first few weeks, months, (different liaisons take different amounts of time) are composed of the couple generally showing their best sides while concealing their faults and weaknesses.

And then one day, you wake up and both man and woman realize that things have changed; it isn't like it used to be. For certain, the man liked it better the way it used to be just as much as the woman. Those first few months, both of you are living the fairy tale and love it as much as you love each other. It's an intoxicating feeling that compels you to drink from it again and again with usually the same devastating consequences, the hangover of love drank too quickly and too voluminously.

When the Yeti advocates NotDating�, when QG opposes Shock and Awe�, to a lesser degree when I espouse Helping Folks Out�, we are all arguing for the same thing�honesty. We�re arguing against the creation of unrealistic expectations which when left unfulfilled brings crisis to a relationship which is either endured and adapted to or brings the whole thing crashing down into a ball of fire that no tears can extinguish�it has to burn itself out through the aches of your heart and the lonesome nights where you wistfully pine for what you had, but was never really there.

Keep on reading to see the full musings on how we agree and how we differ...

Ho in a post then counsels Yeti and all men to offer attention, affection, and respect. In the way she describes it on her blog, I wholeheartedly agree and think the Yeti would concur that those principles have a prominent role in all the methods. Further, I would posit that in NotDating� and Helping Folks Out�, respect for your partner and yourself has a much stronger role than in dating as traditionally conceived.

One could draw an analogy between the methods Yeti and I advocate and drinking. Science has finally revealed that regular drinking of a 2-3 glasses of red wine or dark beer per day has a demonstrated positive effect on health. However, binge drinking results in excruciating hangovers and over time serious damage to major organs. Much the same is true of relationships�when one jumps in and spends every waking hour with, waiting to be with, or trying to be with a new partner, you have found yourself in a binge dating situation. There will be an inevitable hangover. If repeated often, it will cause serious damage to your soul. NotDating� and Helping Folks Out� approaches relationships from a a more moderate and responsible stance. Those methods are fully aware of the inherent risks, effects, and dangers associated with easing your heart out to another person. Regardless of those potential pitfalls, the NotDater� and the Helper� ventures forward, careful of their own and other�s feelings. All things in moderation, the Bible tells us.

Ho then advises Yeti to be positive. Ho has fast become a good blogging friend of mine, and on the surface, I can�t dispute advice to be positive in approaching relationships. However, I would counter that the NotDaters� and the Helpers� are perhaps the most positive folks out there in the dating world. They are well aware of the dangers they face to their heart in soul in the dating world, yet they venture on, never swayed from ultimately finding the one person who they are willing to spend the rest of their life with. The difference is we have developed guidelines that direct us through the minefields of the dating world. Those who date as traditionally conceived are either unaware or not concerned that with only a half misstep you could blow yourself, your partner, your relationship pieces, destroying or maiming part or all. To walk into that minefield with that approach is proof of either stupidity or ignorance.

In the end I would counter that neither the Yeti or I are overwhelmingly positive or negative when approaching relationships. Rather, I would characterize it the same way I have described my M.O. for life for many years now. I consider myself to be an optimistic realist and alternatively a realistic optimist. Briefly explained it means that I expect the worst, understand the worst, and hope, dream, and have faith that the best will emerge. People with this outlook approach the world like these line from a Norah Jones song�

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun

Think about it for a bit, we�ll discuss in the comments.

Posted by Adam H at August 14, 2003 12:51 PM ~ Link Cosmos | Trackbacks (0)

Comments

Guess I started a stink over at the Yeti's site... LOL

First of all, I am not saying my any means to hide your faults. We all have plenty. All I was trying to get across was that it is imperative to keep the little things alive throughout the whole duration of a relationship... long or short. I am not one to wear a lot of makeup. If you don't like me for who I am, then so be it. This enables me to NOT have a standard of having makeup on all the time during a relationship and when I do go out of my way to put it on, it is noticed and appreciated, but not expected.

I am also not saying that little things need to be done daily. All I am saying are nice little surprises are nice from time to time...even if it is a weed you pull off the side of the highway. That would mean more to me than a dozen roses because you picked it yourself and made me feel special..... which was NOT expected.

My dad still to this day sends my mother flowers. He cleans her closet from time to time and will leave a rose and a note in there... i will admit this is in part because he hates clutter and my mother is a pack rat but instead of bitching, he does something about it. He tapes notes to the mirror when he leaves for work in the morning some times.. it is just nice gestures and ones that keep the marriage alive.

If you are going to be with someone FOREVER, then these things must happen in order to keep it going. Yes, it can't always be rosey, but it can be cordial.

So, you may ask "why in the hell are you in such a messed up relationship if you know so much?" Well, all i have to say is people make mistakes and I overlook the bad and push it out of my mind in order to just think of the good.... then, I find myself missing something further down the road. All I can say is that I have learned from my mistakes and will settle no longer.

Posted by: h at August 14, 2003 02:21 PM

I'm so glad I'm married. I never thought dating was this difficult/complicated!

Posted by: Julia at August 14, 2003 02:34 PM

Julia - Dating really isn't so bad. :) I never thought it WAS so complicated until I started reading all the angst in blogland.

I think ho made a good point when she mentioned that the problems arise through too much generalization.

Just my 2 cents... maybe I've just been lucky.

:) M

Posted by: MALA at August 14, 2003 03:27 PM

That's kind of what I think Mala. Maybe I just got lucky in my dating experiences!

Posted by: Julia at August 14, 2003 03:44 PM

My parents just recently celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary. They haven't always been exceedingly joyous and they definitely were never rich, but they love each other and are happy most of the time.
My dad is not too good at the romance. But what he lacks in elaborate romantic gestures, he makes up for with simple everyday things.
He helps set the dinner table. He dries the dishes while my mother washes them. He would help my brother and I get ready for school in the mornings when we were little kids. He would give her a kiss before he left for work. He does little things to help my mother out that may seem menial to some, but I'm sure mean the world to her.
That is my idea of romance. It may not be the stuff that movies are made of, but to me it shows that my father respects the work that my mother has to do to run a household, and that he cares for her enough to give her a hand. It shows that his love for her is still strong.
But as far as whether or not that kind of relationship holds up in today's world, I wouldn't know. I haven't had to many forays into the dating world, so I'm about as far from an expert as you can get. Just thought I'd share that it can work though. :)

Posted by: Giz at August 14, 2003 10:40 PM

I AGREE GIZ!!!!!! That's exactly what I was talking about. My father did just the things yours did and it makes all the difference in the world.....

Posted by: ho at August 15, 2003 09:41 AM

The more losers/weirdos/freaks you date now, the more you'll appreciate "the one" when you finally find her/him.
Here's a hint at how to see a glimpse of what your partner will be like *after* that initial new relationship aura has worn off and you start seeing the "real person." Look at how she/he treats *other* people besides you when you are first dating. Are they considerate, generous, kind, (insert behavior important to you) when dealing with other people, their family, friends, etc?

Posted by: Wendy at August 15, 2003 11:07 AM