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July 15, 2003Southern GentlemenI suppose a number of items have inspired me to address the topic of Southern gentlemen today. While listening to my morning radio talk show this morning, the hosts did a phone interview with this guy who has written a book called the American Gentleman. I'll be perfectly honest about my first reaction. I thought the guy was the ultimate spineless type of man that we often hear girls talk of as a 'nice guy.' I specifically recall him saying that women expect and deserve more out of men than what they're getting know. However, I've given it a little more thought and come to the conclusion that he simply was ignorant of Southern gentlemen. (in full disclosure, I was a little miffed also because I've been working on a book for a couple of years with the working title of "The 21st Century Gentleman) Also, a few days ago, Paul Harvey discussed one of the first guidebooks on gentlemanly behavior. Transcribed when he was about 16 years old, one of the penultimate Southern gentleman, George Washington inscribed his Rules of Civility. (Yes, I know the Kappa Alpha Order places General Robert E. Lee as the premiere Southern gentleman, but I'll respectfully disagree and go with General Washington.) The Yeti is having 'Guys Suck' week over at his place--enumerating all the things that many guys do which is actually a good thing for guys like he and I. Finally, I am very grateful and humbled by a compliment from Rita this morning in a post about the recent spat of nastiness in the Blogosphere. So go ahead and keep on reading what I think about Dr. Hall's American Gentleman and about Southern Gentlemanhood. Apparently, the core contention in American Gentleman's manifesto is that the world is full of obnoxious, poorly mannered, slobs, and he is on a personal mission to restore gentlemanliness to the United States because women deserve better. Of course, I have a number of issues with his contention. He claims to have "traveled the world in search of the gentlemen's spirit." Pardon me from being offended, but I could have saved him several trips if he'd have traveled down here to the South, and let me introduce some gentlemen to him. However, it appears from his website and from the interview I listened to this morning that it mostly stems from his experience in New York City. Allow me to point you to a few ladies misadventures to illustrate the folly in looking for gentleman there and other parts North. In all honesty, I shouldn't necessarily pick on the North because we have just as thickheaded boors in the South as they do. And I would venture to say there are gentleman in the North, but that's different from a Southern gentleman. First, I'll grant him that there is any number of overgrown boys in this world who should never attempt to call themselves a man. One only needs to skip on over to my friend the Yeti's and view any of the entries from 'Guys Suck' week. Going a step further, there is large number of men out there that cannot qualify as a gentleman. Drilling down further, you will find a lot of men who are good, solid men. However, it is a rare indeed to discover a Southern gentleman. I will grant him that women expect and deserve more than what they are getting from most men today. It is available to them now. But, if they don't know how to tell a Southern gentleman from another man, they will continue failing to find what they seek. It could even be argued that if they cannot discern a Southern gentleman from another man, they do not deserve the more and better that they seek. However, I can assure all ladies of the world that if you are a lady, there are plenty of Southern gentlemen out there for you. I'm not talking about those guys you talk about as being sensitive, and nice, and sweet, etc. Those guys are quite a catch for a woman who has never been treated well in her life. However, more times than not those girls go looking for more excitement than sweet, sensitive guy can offer and end up getting in a bad relationship again. A Southern Gentleman is a different breed altogether. He is sensitive and tender when appropriate. He stands when you come to his table or leave it. He knows the proper way to light a lady's cigarette whether it's politically correct to know it or smoke in the first place. He holds your door for you and any lady or elderly he encounters. He always holds doors for people-not just to try to impress a date; it is instinctive and second nature. He says yes, ma'am/sir and no ma'am/sir. When eating in a group or just with a special lady, he does not begin to touch his silverware until all are served and have begun to eat. He keeps it to his self, but he notices and cringes inside when eating in a dining party that the oldest woman is not served first and that the youngest male is not served last. He doesn't claim manhood or to be a gentleman-if someone cannot tell, they clearly don't understand what a Southern gentleman is in the first place. With so many people lacking self confidence in these times, a self confident man is often accused of arrogance. He is not perfect. However, when he commits offense or makes a mistake, he owns up to it or makes appropriate amends. He is not afraid to say he was wrong or that he is sorry. His humble attitude is often lost on people in modern days. We understand that 'no' means no, and if a lady says yes, it is one of the higher compliments she can give you by offering herself to you and not someone else. You may know a Southern gentleman is intimate with someone, but you'll never hear us tell. It may even be rumored with whom a Southern gentleman is engaged in intimacy, but he'll never reveal. He will not reveal her name or their relationship in order to protect her honor. A Southern gentleman is often mysterious because he keeps secrets close to his vest. This is where he begins to differ from the sweet sensitive guy. He is not scared to tell his lady when she is out of line. Just as Rhett Butler held Scarlet O'Hara to account when she behaved like a spoilt brat, a Southern gentleman does not allow a woman to run roughshod over him. He is strong enough and confident in himself to walk away. A woman is shocked when he does and learns very quickly that she cannot treat him like she does another men. She may get a second chance, but it's unlikely and it will not be on her terms. In short, he is sensitive and sweet, but he is strong. When she has gone too far, it may hurt her and him both, but he will turn away, glance over his shoulder, and say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." The Southern gentleman is exciting and dangerous. He is not scared to stand up for a lady-any lady. He will defend the weaker amongst us and stand up to those who would harm them. If he needs assistance, his friends will stand by him. He does not seek out trouble, but deals with it when trouble finds him or someone near him. He is kind to people in general, generous to those truly in need, polite even to the boorish. He has an overall sense of decency. By being just, he not only defends the innocent, but also punishes the wicked. In punishment, he is fair not exceeding the punishment due the offense. He will also forgive. He is honest and gives an honest answer. If the truth will hurt, he answers in the gentlest way possible or not answer at all. Being a Southern gentleman is much like the code of chivalry. As many of the first educated immigrants to the South came from England, there may well be an ancestral heritage stemming back to the knights of the middle ages that has molded what we now call a Southern gentleman. Though I wish I could claim I was a Southern gentleman, I believe in the tradition of the knighthood, I'm probably more like a shire or a page, thereby a Southern gentleman in training. In being related to chivalry or a descendant thereof, being a Southern gentleman is a way of life. One is not born a one, he must become one-either by his raising or by his conscious adoption of the principles and code that defines Southern gentlemanliness. So, all this being said, I submit to you that Dr. Michael Hall has done a great service for himself and for women who have not had the pleasure of a Southern gentleman's companionship. I do doubt that his book will create a new legion of Northern or American gentleman, just as the ranks of Southern gentlemen continue to dwindle as the boorish of our Southern gender's ranks continue to swell. Nevertheless, ladies take heart-Southern gentlemen remain, and they will give you the better that you deserve. You'll get the best of both types of men you seek-the sensitive sweetness and respect with the danger, mystery, and edge that only a Southern gentleman can provide. And now for a word from our sponsors: If you enjoyed this discussion, perhaps you'd like to take a look at the following books available at Amazon.com. Tales from a Yeti Suit linked with Southern Boy Can Survive Comments
WOW! I am speechless. That is so refreshing and makes me think to myself 'Why in the HELL did I let my Southern Gentleman get away?' My independence/rebellion in college I suppose. I wanted to be the wild one and wasn't ready to settle down. If I hadn't been so self absorbed, I might just have my Southern Gentleman..... Anyways - so good to hear that straight from the source. I only hope that parents today raise their sons to have the same outlook you do, for my daughter's sake. Posted by: holly at July 15, 2003 12:24 PMDoes this rare breed truly exist outside the pages of a Danielle Steele romance novels or the set of reality tv dating shows? Although I rarely date below the Mason Dixon line, I have had the pleasure of spending several memorable evenings with guys who hailed from Tennessee, Kentucky, Virginia, Georgia, South Carolina and Texas [do Texans regard themselves as "southern" or just plain "Texan"?]. And let me tell you, they were no gentlemen. In fact, some of the men I've dated, born and bred in EUROPE showed more gentlemanly tendencies than the boorish brutes I encountered from the south. So - although I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post, I won't believe it til I see it. M Posted by: Mala at July 15, 2003 01:02 PMlol...okay, you lost me. This reads more like stereotype than archetype. Men who were raised right and/or who strive to be civil, observant, conscientious, and solicitous are and will be gentlemen, regardless of where they grew up. The Southern subset exists and is different from, say, the Northeast subset. The former I associate with easy confidence, relaxed power, submerged intensity, and that female toe-curling effect called the southern drawl. The latter I hold to exposed intensity, brisk manner, businesslike demeanor, and a variety of wicked clipped accents. ;p Posted by: S at July 15, 2003 01:41 PMAmen, brother. Spare the weak. Wear down the arrogant. Win the love and care of some incorruptible woman. To build somewhere in the wide world the sheltering walls of a home, however humble or obscure, where Love shall Glorify the Wife, Duty enshrine the Mother, and Affection ennoble the child. The Sigma Nu Creed. Funny you mention George Washington and Robert E Lee. I went to Washington and Lee University, named after those two fine gentleman, and have read and heard many a story of the two. There is no contest as to who was the better man. That's because neither thought of themselves as better men. They were just proud to serve their countries and uphold their ideals as best they could. These type of men do exist. It was the original purpose of Southern colleges and fraternities to train boys into young men, and it is to our shame that so many have degenerated into places where you pool your money for women and beer. These men don't exist in Danielle Steel novels. And they make mistakes. Sometimes they forget their roots. But there's no finer specimen of manhood when one comes into their own. Posted by: TheYeti at July 15, 2003 02:57 PM I figgered I had you pegged about right. You"ve explained what it means to be a Southern gentleman much better than I ever could. I just know it when I see it. Posted by: Rita at July 15, 2003 03:12 PMA couple of comments on the comments-- Holly--thanks so much. Your comments are too kind. Mala--I've never read any Danielle Steele novels, but I described apparently what you have read in them. I'll deduce then that they do exist outside of them. S--I'll just borrow from what I emailed you earlier--"I would posit that given the immigration patterns of colonial America the Southern Gentleman is the archetype for all other gentleman in the US. In the North, more people immigrated for religous reasons. In the South, the immigrants came to be landed gentry creating new fiefdoms with their royal land grants. It's a thought anyways... Yeti--Thanks brother. I know you've always got my back (outside of BBQ, that is) Rita--Always generous. I can't wait to see you and Mike again. You make some excellent points, and the one I honed in on is the fact that Southern Gentleman's inward and outward behavior is instinctual. He doesn't have to think about it because the values have been instilled and promoted around him. I am Southern (Virginia born; currently surrounded by fools in Texas). I will admit to being a gentleman. But Southern Gentleman is a title best whispered by others and earned. My blog has a much less compicated or less eloquent addition to the Yeti's "Men Suck Week" and this wonderful post. Good day, Sir, and God Bless. Posted by: Texas T-Bone at July 16, 2003 09:31 AMI had actually decided I was going to search out guys from the south here in the city in hopes of running into the southern gentleman you describe! Posted by: Anne at July 16, 2003 01:28 PMEverything you've said is right on. I think that being raised in the South and being surrounded by this type of man builds makes a Southern girl (and I'm one - though transplanted for the time being)grow up into a strong and confident woman. Females see from an early age how a true Southern gentleman treats women. She knows a good man when she sees one and comes to expect, no, DEMAND that she be treated well. I have several girlfriends from the North who allow themselves to be treated horribly by the men in their lives. No self-respecting Southern woman would allow that behavior to continue. I'm not saying that all guys from the North are cads (I'm married to one who is most decidedly not.) but I am tired of hearing the myth that men in the South hold back there women. NOTHING could be further from the truth. I am a stronger woman because of true Southern gentleman. I truly appreciate all of you. Posted by: Angela at July 16, 2003 06:29 PMAdam, Then, I remembered that our mother was born and raised in the South. I guess you are what your mother raised you to be -- independent of geography. I like your comment about "...overgrown boys in this world who should never attempt to call themselves a man..." I once watched a very bad movie called "The Crays" about a pair of violent English gangsters. There was, however, one scene that stuck me as being poignant. The mother reflects on her tragic life saying (I'm paraphrasing here), "Men don't have to grow up. They can stay little boys and play their little boy games forever. Women don't have that luxury. If we don't grow up, we become victims." Posted by: Fritz at July 20, 2003 11:37 AMI want to applaud the author on his writing. My family raised me to be a Southern gentleman, even though I grew up in Southern California. I have found that by continuing to stay true to my manners and what a true Southern gentleman is...I have impressed on many ladies how a gentleman treats a lady and for that, they now expect more from their men. I feel that to-days man (for the most part) are not gentleman by any strecth of the imagination and is unfortunate for the ladies out there. I cannot wait to finish up college and move back to where my real home is...Georgia! God Bless and may I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Posted by: Mike at December 29, 2003 03:02 PMThis article is very true of SOuthern Gentlemen. My family is very big on the idea of being the gentleman in the group. We hold doors and seat women. We obey when asked and forgive when forgiveness is needed. We know our yes ma'am and no ma'ams and we are big on the idea of respect for the elders. Thanks for the great article, it helps to know someone is watching. Posted by: EDWARD at January 27, 2004 07:30 PMI love your webpage....and it's every woman's dream to find a southern gentleman. I'm still looking. I won't settle for less! Posted by: Connie at May 13, 2004 07:40 PMGosh...I Would love to find myself a southern gentlemen! I have yet to find one.... Posted by: Mia at July 27, 2004 04:11 AMFools in Texas? I find this remark horrific as a Texan. Texas is rife with Southern gentleman and yes, we certainly do consider ourselves Southern because we definitely ARE Southern. Thank you. Posted by: Matt Heermans at September 9, 2004 06:44 PMHi Adam, I stumbled across your site tonight and, boy, am I glad that I did. I was so impressed with the southern gentlemen article on your home page. I new that man, he was my husband and I was the fool. Isn’t it ironic, how that happens so many times with women? Anyway, great work. I am from the south, Louisiana originally, and I don’t think you could’ve hit it any closer on the mark. Being curious now of the gentleman that wrote this article so precisely, I linked to Yahoo to view your picture. I was awed to see that you are only 29?! I’ve always heard that authors write about what they know. You must know this to write it, which to me is to be applauded, and respected. You never run across anyone like the gentlemen you spoke of in the article anymore, at least I haven’t in a very long time. To see someone of only 29 years exhibit such behavior is just not possible, is it? How refreshing! I noticed that the article was written in 2003, at which time you were still searching for the “right person”. I have a feeling you may have found them by now. If not, someone is missing a rarity! Good job. Thanks for reminding me that honor, dignity, respect, manners, pride, and genuine gentlemen still exist. I had forgotten. (I didn't get to view your pic, btw. Got the dreaded red 'X') :-( I love this site, Good job on it, but, anyone got any advice on how this Mexican chica can get herself a cute, sweet, southern man? ;) Post a comment
 
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